Thanks

This idea of giving thanks can be a complicated business. How does one properly quantify all for which they are thankful? Once that is established, what method should be used to calculate the index of gratitude? Is there a formula? How do we differentiate between thankfulness for stuff (material), for people (relational) and for country (institutional)? How does the mathematical concept of Pi* figure into this equation? These heavy questions seem like a job for philosophers and scientists, but they are busy studying the small portion of the population who are not lactose intolerant yet don't like cheese**. So I am going to give this my best shot.

Scientist at the Discomfort Food Academy of Random
Observation and Guesswork

Believe it or not, there are many strategies to in determining the Thankfulness Coefficient® (a rating of thankfulness based on a scale of 1 to 10 based on a theory I just made up to reap royalties from my writing). The prevailing theories are as follows and appear in order from most to least used: the Lateral Comparative, the Annual Comparative, the Ultra Comparative and the Deservedness Ratio. While all of these methods have varying degrees of results, I will try to evaluate them based on a recent study put out by the Discomfort Food Academy of Random Observation and Guesswork located in the St. Louis Metropolitan Area. This is a very scientific study, please DO NOT try this at home; you may find it to be a colossal waste of time and resources.

In measuring thankfulness, the most popular method used is the Lateral Comparative. This complicated approach involves a person determining their thankfulness based on the perceived wealth measured in home size, cars, lawn mower horsepower, collectible ceramic figurines and/or size of Christmas display based on bulb wattage and number (# of bulbs x wattage per bulb + # of inflatable displays and mechanical reindeer). In most cases, this produces a Thankfulness Coefficient® of less than five and includes side effects of paranoia, dissatisfaction, and high credit card bills.

The second method of determining thankfulness is the Annual Comparative Process. Here, the subject compares their current income, possessions, and overall net worth to that of a year ago. For years, this has produced a reliable stable Thankfulness Coefficient® between five to seven. Recently though, this method has seen a significant drop in Thankfulness Coefficient® performance to around three or four. Many scientists believe this is directly related to the socioeconomic phenomenon known as a "bad economy". These same geniuses believe that this method will make a strong comeback in a few years when certain factors combine to create a "good economy".

The Ultra Comparative diagnostic for assessing the Thankfulness Coefficient® is not often used except in conditions of weakness or guilt often produced by international news reports or child sponsorship commercials. Here the participant compares their financial situation to the rest of the world. Click here to do so, we'll wait. Depressing, huh? The Thankfulness Coefficient® using this tool usually starts at six, but doesn't exceed eight. While this method is designed to produce compassion and giving, it usually yields shame, depression and emotional eating.

The least used and little known technique for measuring thankfulness is called the Deservedness Ratio. While this is guaranteed to produce a high Thankfulness Coefficient®, it is rarely used since it cannot be capitalized upon by most marketing firms. This is the only method that used a constant that all subjects compare against. In a scientific study, a constant is an unchanging factor; something or someone that is the same "yesterday, today and forever" (Hebrews 13:8). For the Deservedness Ratio, the control is Jesus. Here a person is compared to the control based on their goodness or perfection (I mentioned this was not a popular method). The result is always the same, "all have sinned" (i.e. none are perfect) and "the wages of sin is death (Romans 3:23, 6:23). Initially, this comparison produces despair until the grace factor is calculated. The grace factor allows for the perfection of the control (Jesus) to count for the lack of the perfection of the variable (you) in a process called substitution (Romans 8:34). Few will utilize this equation since it eventually requires the variable (you) to live for the constant (Jesus). Those who accept this method typically see a Thankfulness Coefficient® in the supernatural range (11-15).

As we approach the holiday season, a day of Thanksgiving is crucial to setting in the tone for the rest of the year. The method is the most important factor in determining joy above gifts received, quantity of food eaten, church services attended, football spectated and television Christmas specials endured. Hope your holiday season begins properly; have a happy thanks giving!

*Pumpkin, not apple
**These people exist, I've met one