Garage Sales

When I was a kid growing up outside of Detroit, we didn't have a garage. I remember the first time stepping into the garage at Marty Russell's house. The smell of gasoline and various lawn chemicals hit my nostrils as the door slowly and noisely rose. The tools neatly lined the walls on pegboard like they did at the hardware store. There was so much to investigate and explore between the building's unfinished studs. When my grandma took me to my first garage sale, she was baffled by my excitement. On the way, she gave me fifty cents and told me that I could pick out a toy while we were there. Image my disappointment when I realized, shortly after we arrived, that we would not be getting a garage. Why else would they call it a garage sale? I was devastated . . . at least until we went out for lunch about twenty minutes later. Still, I have never been very fond of garage sales.


Have you ever bought something that you were really excited about? Perhaps you were thinking, "This will make my life so much easier!" Isn't it funny that these are the very items that end up in the garage sale bin? Tomorrow begins our garage sale benefiting Jacob's Ladder, a Nothing But Nets fundraising team dedicated to fight Malaria in Africa. I help a little: setting up tables and . . . well, that's pretty much it. Then, my wife takes over.


My wife is a master organizer. This is not an exaggeration, she's like certified or diagnosed or something. She has a logical way of organizing things into categories so that it makes sense to anyone, yet this multi-family garage sale has presented her with quite a challenge. Who can make sense of the useless items belonging to four different families? Yesterday afternoon, my wife entered the garage where few organizers dare to tread. Armed only with a label maker and a mild case of OCD, here are the fruits of her labor:

Table 1 - Toys purchased by overzealous grandparents, aunts and uncles: These relative are concerned only with the happiness of children. Items of this category are often known to make loud or annoying noises, shoot water or sharp projectiles, or bear a striking resemblance to a purple dinosaur from a popular (yet creepy) children's television show.

Table 2 - Obnoxiously Festive Holiday Decor: Snowmen in a variety of poses. Quilted holiday vests. Penguins posed near Santa (opposite poles). Wise men posed near baby Jesus (they followed the star and did not arrive for sometime). Anything that plays the tune "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer".

Table 3 - Potholders and Neckties: The ghosts of Mother's and Father's days past.

Table 4 - Not-So-Helpful Gadgets/Small Appliances: Jell-O molds in the shape of Brett Hull from his St. Louis Blues days (one wonders why this stadium promotion never caught on). Gas-powered nose hair trimmer in case of power outages. Sam and Ella's deviled egg filler.

Table 5 - Useless Items: All the stuff I use and enjoy.

I'm sure tomorrow will prove to be an exciting morning of price haggling and sentimental tears. We actually do have some nice things, so contact me for details!